When I was 11, I lost my mother, but the truth is, I feel like I never really had her to begin with. She was often emotionally unavailable, distant, and struggling with her own pain. Alcohol, smoking, and sadness were her constants. I don’t remember a lot of warm, nurturing moments between us. Instead, I remember the silence, the anger, and the feeling of being disconnected from the one person who was supposed to be there for me.
That’s the hardest part. I didn’t just lose my mum physically, but emotionally, she was already gone long before. And now, as a mother myself, I find myself confused about how things should be. There’s this constant feeling of not knowing what a “normal” mother-child relationship is supposed to look like. All I have are examples of how not to be.
Breaking the Cycle
As I grew older, I noticed parts of my mum in me—the negative parts, the sadness, the anger, the distance. It scared me. I didn’t want to become her, to repeat the patterns that caused me so much pain as a child. I had to make a conscious decision to change, to shape myself into someone different.
It’s been a process of unlearning—unlearning the behaviors I saw growing up and replacing them with new ways of being. I’ve had to teach myself how to love, how to be present, and how to be the mother to my children that I never had. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s something I’m deeply committed to.
Not a Victim, but Not Ignoring the Pain
One thing I’ve always struggled with is how to label myself. I don’t like thinking of myself as a “girl without parents” or as a victim. I’ve never wanted to feel sorry for myself or let that be a defining part of who I am. But at the same time, I know how painful it is for others who are in the same situation. I see it in them, and it reminds me of the part of myself that I try to hide, from my self — the part that feels like I was never truly mothered, and that, I never will be.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve been avoiding that pain - i never will be mothered - for too long. Does hiding it make me feel stronger ? Or does it just prevent me from healing fully ? But I know that every time I see someone else who’s lost a mother or has grown up with an emotionally distant parent, I feel that ache inside. And part of me feels weak for feeling that way. Because - there is nothing i can change, except, self - parenting, self - love.
Am I Weak for Feeling This?
I’ve always pushed myself to be strong, to not fall into self-pity. But should I allow myself to feel that pain more openly? To admit that losing my mum, not just physically but emotionally, was devastating.
I think part of my growth has been learning that it’s okay to feel pain, to acknowledge, accept, and still know that it doesn’t define me.
I am not a victim, but I also don’t have to pretend like it didn’t hurt. I can hold space for both the strength I’ve built and the pain I’ve carried. Both are real, and both are part of me.
Helpful Tools for Healing and Growth
While no one can fully take the place of a mother, I’ve learned that there are tools and support systems that can help fill some of the emotional gaps. Healing is a personal journey, and these are some of the tools that have helped me along the way:
Self-Parenting: Reparenting My Inner Child
One of the most meaningful practices I’ve developed is self-parenting, which I learned through coaching and healing work. This idea is about giving myself the love, care, and support that I didn’t receive as a child. I’ve embraced the role of being the parent I always needed.
One powerful exercise that helped me was taking a picture of myself as a little girl—my favorite photo from childhood—and promising to take care of her, of me. I look at that picture and remind myself that she still exists within me, and that it’s my responsibility to nurture and protect her now. Every day, I commit to being kind to myself, offering the guidance and love that I didn’t have growing up.
Through this practice, I’ve learned that I can provide myself with the emotional care I’ve been missing. I’m not bound by the past or my upbringing—I have the power to reparent myself and create a better, healthier relationship with my inner child.
Journaling: Reflecting and Discovering
Journaling has been another key tool for my healing. It provides a space where I can be completely honest with myself about my feelings—especially the complicated ones. Writing helps me reflect on my childhood, my relationship with my mother, and the ways in which those experiences have shaped me. It’s a way to process the pain, but also to chart my growth and celebrate the progress I’ve made.
Moving Forward
As I raise my children, I continue to learn and shape myself. I’ve learned that it’s possible to break the cycle, to take the pain of the past and turn it into something better.
For anyone who’s been through a similar experience, I want you to know that meybe you feel lost or confused. I now how it feels to carry that pain. But i know, you also have the power to shape yourself, to become the person you want to be. You are not defined by your past. You are who you choose to become.
Even though I’ve found ways to heal and build emotional support, I’ve also come to terms with the fact that no one can truly replace a mother. That unique bond is something I’ll always feel the absence of. But instead of focusing on that emptiness, I’ve chosen to focus on what I can control—shaping myself into the person I want to be.
I’m not defined by my loss, but I also won’t ignore the impact it has had on me. Losing my mother, both physically and emotionally, has shaped who I am, but I am also constantly reshaping myself, learning, and growing.
For anyone who’s been through a similar experience, I want you to know that while the loss may never fully go away, you have the power to build the life and relationships you deserve.
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