As children, we all have moments when we long to be seen and heard, to receive love and validation from those closest to us. Sometimes, that longing goes unanswered, and we carry it with us into adulthood. This post is about understanding the deeper needs we all have, the ones we can’t always meet on our own, and learning to embrace self-love without guilt.
The Story of the Unseen Song:
I remember a particular evening from my childhood. The sun was setting, and I stood singing a song I had rehearsed with care. I wanted my mother to hear me, to be moved by my voice, to smile at me, maybe give me a hug, and tell me she was proud. But that didn’t happen.
I was like a flower that needed water, hoping for her love to nourish me, to make me bloom. I didn’t get the water I needed, and for years, that unmet need stayed with me, shaping how I viewed myself and my relationships with others.
The Needs We Can’t Meet Alone:
Just like flowers need water to grow, we all have needs that can’t be met by ourselves alone. As children, we rely on our caregivers for love, attention, and affirmation. These needs are natural, they are essential, and we carry them into adulthood. However, when those needs are not met, we can end up feeling guilty, as though we’re asking for too much.
But here’s the truth: we have needs. We want love, comfort, and warmth. These are not weaknesses or flaws—they are part of being human.
The Guilt We Carry for Our Needs:
For a long time, I felt guilty for having needs. I compared my needs to those of others and, in doing so, convinced myself that mine didn’t matter as much. I placed everyone else first and neglected what my own heart was crying out for.
I began to believe that fulfilling my own needs meant I was being selfish. And when I finally started to listen to myself, even just a little, others sometimes grew frustrated with me because I wasn’t meeting their needs as I had always done.
This cycle of guilt and suppression is common, especially for people who are used to putting others first. But it’s an unhealthy pattern that leaves us drained, empty, and disconnected from ourselves.
The Importance of Self-Love:
What I’ve come to realize is that self-love is not about shutting others out or ignoring their needs—it’s about finding a balance. It’s about realizing that our needs are just as valid and worthy of attention as anyone else’s. When we constantly push aside what we need, we’re sending ourselves a message that we don’t matter, and that’s a painful way to live.
Self-love is not selfish. It’s a necessary part of maintaining our well-being.
The Challenge and the Gift of Being Kind to Ourselves:
The hardest part of this journey is being kind to ourselves when we’re so used to putting everyone else first.
Our hearts, minds, and souls need love, peace, and connection. They need hugs, warmth, and moments of validation. And sometimes, so that it could come from within ourselves it is important that we learn to “water” ourselves, even if others aren’t always able to.
When we practice self-love, we give ourselves permission to heal from the pain of unmet expectations.
We allow ourselves to feel worthy, not because of what we do for others, but because of who we are.
Embrace Your Needs Without Guilt
If there’s one message I want you to take away from this, it’s this: to not feel guilty for your needs (if you do).
They are part of you, and they deserve attention.
You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you don’t need to keep fixing yourself to give more to others(something i did, without realizing it earlier).
True self-love is about giving to yourself simply because you are worthy of it, not as a way to serve others better.
This is what I’ve learned: I can continue giving, but I now protect my boundaries—something new for me. It feels a little uncomfortable and unknown, but it’s a choice I’ve made. Over time, I’ve realized that I feel better because I respect myself more then before, while still honoring and caring for others.
Just as a flower needs water to survive, you need love, care, and understanding.
It’s essential to honor and care for your needs, not as an afterthought, but as a fundamental part of your life. Your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s, and tending to them allows you to live with more peace, balance, and self-respect.
And above all, be kind to yourself—because you matter.
Because it is a natural part of being human.
It is fundamental need.
Love and understanding.
Love is understanding.
I can say that I love, because I try to understand deeply(with love). However, there have been times when my needs were not understood in return—like with my mother. I remember waiting for her to see me sing, waiting for her promise to come through. She didn’t, and that moment still resonates with me. It’s a reminder that understanding is a two-way street, and feeling unheard can be deeply painful. But that’s a different story.
I believe we need to feel and understand love, kindness, and care.
There was a time in my life when I didn’t feel love or care, and I often questioned whether my mother truly loved me.
For many years, I wondered why that was.
But I’ve come to realize that it’s not about me; it’s about her. Love is something that comes from within us, and no one can force us to love them. It’s a feeling that arises spontaneously, shaped by what we see, hear, want, and desire, and not only these.
In my journey, I discovered that I didn’t know what love was until I fell in love myself. It just happened—an instinctive feeling that emerged from within me, influenced by my experiences.
For instance, I thought my mother would see and hear me singing, and her response would reflect her feelings.
So by her not coming I gave a meaning to that - she doesn’t love, care, understand or like me.
I also recognize that we are not like flowers that rely solely on others for care; we have the ability to water ourselves.
I understand now why I sometimes feel unlovable or not beautiful—because my parents didn’t “water” me in the ways I needed.
My mother cared for her flowers and ensured they were beautiful, but I often felt neglected in that same nurturing.
“I thought that I am the most beautiful person in her live, but she showed me that I am not, at least - that is the meaning I have been given to this, and this is not good for me and my well being, to think like that - to feel like that - and live my life, make my decisions, choices, out of this.”
As a child, I often felt powerless. I wanted to change things for her, thinking that if I could make her happy, maybe she would take care of me as I needed. I thought that if I could be the source of joy in her life, it would create a sense of safety for both of us.
However, it’s crucial to clarify that I didn’t need to do anything differently to have my needs met. The lack of care I experienced was not because of my mother’s love for me but rather due to circumstances in her life that I may never fully understand. I often remind my inner child that her actions were not meant to hurt me.
(And - sorry - does not fix that unmet need, specifically, if it repeats. Then it just reminds you of those negative thoughts you have about yourself. That is my experience).
Although it still hurts, this understanding has helped heal my unmet needs. My mother is no longer here for me to talk to or ask about those moments, but if I could, I would seek her perspective. Ultimately, the meaning I’ve drawn from this experience is to learn to calm down, be kind to myself, let go of the past, and move forward.
Yet, the little child in me still has many unanswered questions—like why she didn’t come to see me sing. I sometimes think that having those answers would make everything easier. But even if she could explain her reasons, it might still hurt. Why?
Because I wanted her warmth and presence so much, just like other children had. I grew up in a different situation, without a father, and my mother often struggled with work and finances. I thought that if she could just come and smile, it would fill the gaps I felt.
But I realise now that I want that love and warmth for myself, not just from her.
But from me - give it to my self.
Closing Thoughts
If you are a mother, or even if you still carry the child within you, I invite you to read this. It’s essential to understand not only yourself but also your children and your own parents, as well as the unmet needs that can shape our relationships.
As a mother, it’s vital to recognize the importance of nurturing yourself alongside your children. You have needs, too—needs for love, understanding, and care that are just as important. To prioritize your well-being so that you can be the best version of yourself for your children. This doesn’t mean neglecting their needs; it means recognizing that when you take care of yourself, you’re better equipped to take care of them.
You might feel that your efforts go unrecognized or that your children are not as grateful as you wish they were. Just as children often want more, so do you. It’s a natural part of being human. Understand that what may seem like a small gesture to one person can mean the world to another. Everyone has different experiences, perceptions, and needs.
Remember that not everything depends on you alone. We all have others to share our lives with—friends, family, community—and seek support from them, something we all need sometimes.
By nurturing yourself and understanding the dynamics at play in your relationships, you can create a more compassionate and loving environment for yourself and your children.
Important: Break those limiting beliefs to move forward.
So easy but so powerfull - when you think - she does not love me.
How does it feel, to think that your mother does not love you, like you or understand you.
It can be a fact - not understood.
But remember about the meaning, why it is so important to you to be understood.
Maybe to feel safe, open, be you, as you are.
May we all learn to honor our needs and the needs of those we love. In doing so, we can break cycles of unmet expectations and foster deeper connections. Healing begins with understanding, both for ourselves and for those we care about.
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